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| ©Jyoti Singh Visvanath |
I
find that as the years accumulate after Shekhar, calendar time does not really
have the same meaning for me. In some ways, I am still in the same place I was
nearly six years ago and in others, I have travelled so far that even memory
does not serve me well. This treading of two worlds is exhausting. I am told to
move on, let go…but what does it really mean?
How
do you really move on from your essence, your definition? How do you let go of
the best part of yourself? What if you don’t like the person you are becoming?
The questions are demons…they come at you in the quiet of the night, slipping
into your dreams and rearing their ugly heads each time you think you have them
under control. I wrestle and find myself wanting. So far, it has not been a
fair fight because I am vulnerable, fragile and weak…something’s got to give
but what and how?
To
hark back to the infamous dialogue from the film Jerry McGuire…Shekhar completed me, as I did him. That was because
we were young and finding ourselves together…but that has changed. I no longer
seek or need completion. It’s balance that I yearn for. I miss the other voice,
the perspective of another vantage, the point of view and support of the better
parent…this is a lonely place and the challenges are many. I wrestle and find
myself wanting.
As
I wake in the morning and face another day, life calls in different ways. Time
folds telescopically, appearing on my face and body, in the growing bodies of
the boys, in marked folders in the storehouse of memory and life, in spaces and
voids…in a cumulative past. My default state is to hide and never leave the
comfort of my safe place but it is time to wrestle with the demons…it may not
be a fair fight…I may forever be vulnerable, fragile and weak but as long as I
am here I owe it to myself to embrace this shadow of my previous self, to take
that first step into the unknown world of moving on and letting go…making the
effort to die empty. Who knows where this new journey will take me? I can only
commit to one little step right now…the rest lies in anticipation that the
demons will find someone else to wrestle with…
***
When
you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
…When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth…
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
…When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth…
From
the lyrics of “Fix you” by Coldplay
*
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
From the lyrics of “Demons” by Imagine
Dragons
