Wrestling with demons

©Jyoti Singh Visvanath

As one year ends and another begins, there is a sense of change, of letting go, of looking forward, of making the past year a part of the repository of your life.

I find that as the years accumulate after Shekhar, calendar time does not really have the same meaning for me. In some ways, I am still in the same place I was nearly six years ago and in others, I have travelled so far that even memory does not serve me well. This treading of two worlds is exhausting. I am told to move on, let go…but what does it really mean?

How do you really move on from your essence, your definition? How do you let go of the best part of yourself? What if you don’t like the person you are becoming? The questions are demons…they come at you in the quiet of the night, slipping into your dreams and rearing their ugly heads each time you think you have them under control. I wrestle and find myself wanting. So far, it has not been a fair fight because I am vulnerable, fragile and weak…something’s got to give but what and how?

To hark back to the infamous dialogue from the film Jerry McGuire…Shekhar completed me, as I did him. That was because we were young and finding ourselves together…but that has changed. I no longer seek or need completion. It’s balance that I yearn for. I miss the other voice, the perspective of another vantage, the point of view and support of the better parent…this is a lonely place and the challenges are many. I wrestle and find myself wanting.

As I wake in the morning and face another day, life calls in different ways. Time folds telescopically, appearing on my face and body, in the growing bodies of the boys, in marked folders in the storehouse of memory and life, in spaces and voids…in a cumulative past. My default state is to hide and never leave the comfort of my safe place but it is time to wrestle with the demons…it may not be a fair fight…I may forever be vulnerable, fragile and weak but as long as I am here I owe it to myself to embrace this shadow of my previous self, to take that first step into the unknown world of moving on and letting go…making the effort to die empty. Who knows where this new journey will take me? I can only commit to one little step right now…the rest lies in anticipation that the demons will find someone else to wrestle with…

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When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

…When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth…

From the lyrics of “Fix you” by Coldplay

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Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

From the lyrics of “Demons” by Imagine Dragons