Run first…choose your destination later

It has been a challenging year, thus far. For the most part, I have found myself at the receiving end of many lessons from the Universe, which was why a horoscope prediction this week made me smile – “You will make plans…and the Universe will laugh.”

Shekhar and I had that in common. We were both planners, with plans A, B and C always in place. But his going reduced my vision and ability to look forward. I relied on the next best thing. Lists. Each tick mark, a step towards an unknown destination. I did not think of outcomes and what's next. It was just enough to take one step and live one day, at a time. This telescoping was very useful. It made the trivial extraneous. It made fear redundant. Not planning liberated me from the tedium of thinking through and working out all options and scenarios. This has been a blessing in disguise. It has allowed God’s grace to work. He has carried me.

As creatures of habit and bias, we struggle to live in the moment, to breathe deeply and actually be present. I have learnt this the hard way. In the past five years, I have clung to memory, to the pain of remembrance, living in the dark abyss of anger and bitterness, victimized by a past I could not rewrite and a future that refused to unfold. I was a failed state and the Universe was laughing at me. I did what I could do…I got out of its way.

It is only then, I found His grace become visible. Unplanned things happened, what needed to happen, happened seamlessly, unknown people appeared as angels, familiars became God’s instruments …helping hands were everywhere. Hiding in the dark depths of despair, I was hard to help. Something shifted at the five year mark this year, I allowed a hand to reach out and pull me to where I could see some light. Letting it guide me, I took one step and another…and the light became brighter. It is where I stand now. I know one misstep can send me hurtling back to the bottom. It has happened before.

The key difference is - I am now looking up. Not letting the light out of my sight. It is difficult and the need to retract and return is like a siren song floating up from the abyss. I resist its call. Just like I resist the urge to plan. I have only now understood, nothing I could ever think or imagine would equal or surpass what the Universe has planned for me. I have surrendered to its will and found that…the Universe is laughing not at but with me.

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Somewhere there's a star that's shining
So bright that I can see you smile…

From “Things my father said” by Black Stone Cherry

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I’ve done it, I’ve done it!

Guess what I’ve done!

Invented a light that plugs into the sun.

The sun is bright enough,

The bulb is strong enough,

But, oh, there’s only one thing wrong…

The cord ain’t long enough.

“Invention” by Shel Silverstein