Playback...

The boys hated my last post. They thought it was lazy and did not fulfil the contract with the reader. In my defence, there were two reasons I chose to post a video of a song… apart from the title ‘I grieve’ and the haunting music of Peter Gabriel, the lyrics suddenly had a new resonance. Especially, the line from the chorus – life goes on and on and on… Then there is the change in tempo towards the second half of the song. I have realized that much against my will and resistance…life does go on and on and on…relentless, overwhelming and at times, in what seems like an unending spiral…but with grace, always with a touch of grace. The change in tempo reminds me that despite all the pain, there is hope for alleviation.

I was hit by a bout of nostalgia recently after listening to some music that I was passionate about in the past. Like any of the senses, it brought back memories…and with them the freshness of a pain that I am trying to move away from. It’s not funny when you can put a time and place to something you heard for the first time or what became a signature of treasured and shared moments or a totem of love.

It means that I cannot listen to Enigma without thinking of Zambia or Deep Forest without envisioning the Western Ghats. This music is embedded at a cellular level, not just in my memory but the boys’ too. It brings recollections of long drives, mountains made green by rain and mist rising from the bowels of valleys…just the four of us…happy, together, whole…

Shekhar was a romantic, something he demonstrated most ably by choosing music that expressed what he could not say. I remember Foreigner’s ‘Waiting for a girl like you,’ Rick Astley’s, ‘Never gonna give you up,’ and ‘Drive’ by Cars were songs he recommended I listen to when we first started going out. When he shared his precious stash of cassette tapes with me, there was no question about my place in his life. Over the years, he continued to search and find other musical missives…my life had a background score.

I will admit when I heard some of the songs again, I was gutted. But listening to them on repeat has somehow sweetened the pain of remembrance…those were good times. At least I had those…

Now, as I find myself changing, the choice of music has changed too. New music defines my score – remastered and remixed. It includes the sound of our older son’s soul playing on his guitar, songs our younger one chooses for me and whatever resonates at some subconscious level and pounds to the beat of my heart. I feel blessed. These are good times too…even if life does go on and on and on…

***

Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinkin' alone

Sing us a song you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you got us feeling alright

From “Piano Man” by Billy Joel