Sunday, July 8, 2012

Still buffering...

As I looked to upgrade the technology of our PC from the old to the new, I came upon an app the boys already knew about. In my excitement I complained, “Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” Our younger son, always quick with his repartee told me, “Mom, when it comes to technology, you are still buffering…”

I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t take offence…just the vision of myself trapped in the ever turning hourglass, the little spinning wheel and the ever so slow increasing scale of the buffer was and still is enough to make me chuckle.

It was a very profound analogy on so many levels. In the four years since Shekhar, I have had to reconstruct everything in my life. Every day when I feel more confident about something, I am equally frustrated by the lack of progress on another. It is hard to build when you are trying to leave space for someone who is no longer there. How do you accommodate a memory? Still I have soldiered on…stretched, challenged, redefined, fallen apart and put myself together again. I have no long term vision now, no five and ten year plans like I had with Shekhar, so in the true sense, I am still buffering for a life in the absence of a better half.

As the boys achieve new milestones, grow out of their schoolboy skins into young men…I have realized they are buffering too…for new beginnings, challenges and adulthood. We are all works in progress. As a salute to the times, where technology defines your vocabulary...buffering for me now is just another name for living. 


For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

Father Alfred D’Souza


  1. I read your blog in one go, almost without breathing. I admire the beautiful, strong woman you are, your inner strength, your writting prowess, your honesty. Your bravery.

    Nobody knows why some things happen to some people.
    There is no karmic affirmation, no reasonable explanation...
    We do perhaps have some control of who we become after...

    And, I wanted to say: thank you for inspiring me. In one sense I can feel your pain. In another, I really know so little of it...

    I hope you keep writing. If time doesn't heal...maybe it moulds?

    I am glad to know someone as remarkable as you.

    Sending more laughter, and a prayer your way...


    1. Thanks for your thoughtful comment, understand more than you know. I like the thought about time moulding instead of just healing...gave me pause.

    2. Hello Jyothi... I take the liberty of writing here for I've a query.I wanted to know if you had a poem "Am I Here" published in one of the leading English woman magazines some years ago.I've been trying to locate the poet since I've always been moved by it. Unfortunately I've shared it with my friends through my blog without due permission from the rightful owner. I've acknowledged the poet but it struck me that a net search might lead to her. Please do let me know if I am communicating with the right person...with warm wishes

    3. Yes Ilakshi, it was me...strange that it should come back to me now. Lovely that you relate to it. Do send a link to your blog or link it here...