Man bites dog

On one ordinary Saturday evening, Shekhar’s life passed…one minute he was there and the next he was gone.

Then two years later, my Mom’s life passed…one moment she was there and the next she was gone.

Each time I lost more than the people I loved. I lost a definition. I moved from wife to widow in an instant, from child to…I am still looking for a new way to define myself.

After Shekhar, I lost the will to live. It was the singular thought of my children that kept me going. Until Mom… when to bypass the pain and angst I experienced after Shekhar, I decided to throw myself at life and living. I forgot definitions and said yes to everything that came my way – new job, travel, responsibility and obligation. In a ‘man bites dog’ frame of mind, I reacted, attacked and engaged with life. By ‘man bites dog’ I mean jumping into situations that are against your nature and norm that unnecessarily complicate what could have been easier if you just let sleeping dogs lie…

This has been my life for the past two years. Now, I realize allowing the pendulum to swing from one extreme to another has not helped. It is time to regroup and reassess. Time to find the centre. Time to redefine. Time to forge a bond with myself. Time to let go of the dog.

As we draw near to what would have been Shekhar’s 50^th birthday, the boys and I have taken a leap from our errand based lives to create new memories. To overlay the sadness with a new map…it is not just a time to look forward but also a time to look back and see just how far we have come. I have been afraid to do that…what if I turn back and he is just a speck on the horizon. What if we have come too far…

***

For too much of my life 
I have been a noun; 
child, boy, man, father, whatever; 
nouns of identity. 
Often, preceded by too many adjectives…

I exist through my living, 
not because of some label. 
Descriptives enhance mind pictures, 
but do not define the essence of my spirit. 
I am living. I am being. 
I am not a noun. 
I am a verb. 

—From I am a verb by Gene McParland, North Babylon, NY